Dealing With Grief
A Guide for Those Helping Others with Grief
Don’t try to find the magic words or formula to eliminate the pain. Nothing can erase or minimize the painful tragedy your friend or loved on is facing. Your primary role at this time is simply to “be there.” Don’t worry about what to say or do, just be a presence that the person can lean on when needed.
Don’t try to minimize of make the person feel better. When we care about someone, we hate to see them in pain. Often we’ll say things like “I know how you feel,” or “maybe, it was for the best,” in order to minimize their pain. While this can work in some instances, it never works with grief.
Help with responsibilities. Even though a life has stopped, life doesn’t. One of the best ways to help is to run errand, prepare food, take care of the kids, do laundry, and help with simple things around the home. Because despite their pain, life goes on.
Don’t expect the person to reach out to you. Many people say, “Call me if there is anything I can do.” At this stage, the person who is grieving will be overwhelmed at the simple thought of picking up a phone or even talking. If you are close to this person, simply stop by and lend a helping hand. People often think about doing this but don’t take the step. Many will think of those in grief, at their darkest hour, put few will actually step forward.
Talk through decisions. While working through the grief process, most bereaved people report difficulty with decision making. Be a sounding board for your friend or loved one and help them think through decisions. If decisions can be postpones to a later date, try to encourage them to wait until they have had more time to heal. This is not a time to make important decisions.
Don’t be afraid to say the deceased name. Those who have lost someone usually speak of them often, and believe it or not, need to hear their name and stories about them. In fact, many grievers welcome and appreciate this.
Remind the bereaved to take care of themselves. While it may be upsetting to see the bereaved withdrawing from people and activities—it is normal. They will rejoin when they are ready. Be gentle and have patience with them. Take them a meal to remind them to eat. Stop by to watch the children so that they can take a nap. Offer to go for a walk with them so they can get some fresh air. Once again, do some simple errands or lite housework to ease their burden.
Avoid judging. Don’t ever tell the person how to react or handle their emotions. Simply let them know that you are there to support them and help them in any way possible.
Remember that time does not heal all wounds. Your friend or loved one wll change because of what happened. This was not a expected or planned death. Everyone grieves differently. Some will be “fine” and then experience their “true grief” a year or so later, while others feel their grief immediately. Some feel their grief for years to come. There are no timetable, no rules—be patient.
